A reflection at Valparaiso University's Chapel of the Resurrection, given on September 16, 2024, for the series entitled "That time I needed help." Originally titled "Attention and Action."
Not my garden, but this one is nice, right?
Good morning!
So… the other day I was trying to finish up a garden project - I wanted native plants in the front corner area of the yard of our new house. My husband had made a lovely retaining wall, and I patiently waited while the cardboard and mulch I had put down killed the grass over 10 or so weeks. I had gone to the local garden center for some plants, and had put them in one morning before school. All that was left now was to install the edging between the garden and the rest of the grass.
Let me back up, though. I have two small kids, and I’m learning that months of transition can, let’s say, bring all the feels. Meaning changing from school mode to summer, and then changing from summer to school. So, May/June and August/September, basically. Everyone is trying to figure out how much sleep we need, how much food our new energy spend requires, and how to use and balance all of the brain waves the new routine invokes.
I hear this is normal and happens to most families, so at the 100th cry of “Mommy!” on any given day, I grin and bear it. However, after hearing “Mommy, mommy, mommy” for so many days in a row, unable to think my own thoughts or check items off of my to-do list, it starts to feel a little like my brain is short-circuiting.
Don’t get me wrong - I feel so fortunate to have the ability to be with my kids for quite a few hours each day and each week. They are smart, funny, energetic, talented, and actually pretty cute. And they’re mine - when I think back to the days of their births, I can almost feel the oxytocin wash over me again like it did in those early days.
Attending to their needs is what I signed up for, but as I felt the stress build day after day, week after week, I thought that the main tool I had at my disposal was to push through the stress. Try harder, be better, finish every chore, attend every soccer practice, and eventually something would give.
Back to the garden. I was installing the edging, and it wasn’t working at all. The cheap, “easy install, no dig” plastic wasn’t sitting well in the trench I was slicing into the soil, and the pieces were hard to fit together. In fact, I put one piece in upside down. No bother, I thought, I’ll just keep going - it’s got to work eventually if I just don’t give up. As I pried the wrong-fitting pieces apart, one suddenly gave way and came up to smack me in the face, drawing blood. Just at this moment, one child came out into the yard, yelling, you guess it, “Mommy, mommy, mommy!”
My grin and bear it, push through the stress strategy just crumbled. I confessed to my husband, “I can’t do this!”
To his very great credit, he swept the kids into the car for a trip to the playground so I could read a book in the hammock. He went out and purchased a better quality edging product, and installed it himself while I did other yard projects. He even asked me about my feelings afterward. Our teamwork has improved overall, as has our sense of humor about parenting challenges. The only difference I can see from the stressful before to the teamwork after is… that I asked for help.
By the way, my husband and I had also recently discovered that the Surgeon General has issued an Advisory called Parents Under Pressure: The US Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health and Wellbeing of Parents.
From the preface: “A Surgeon General’s Advisory is a public statement that calls the American people’s attention to an urgent public health issue and provides recommendations for how it should be addressed. Advisories are reserved for significant public health challenges that require the nation’s immediate awareness and action.” There are numerous advisories out right now, from youth mental health and social media, to an epidemic of loneliness in our country, to gun violence.
The job of the Surgeon General is to notice what is going on with the public, and to identify areas that are significant challenges to everyone. It’s kind of a collective “asking for help,” based on a lot of individuals demonstrating that they need some help.
The advisory also makes it easier to ask for help as an individual, because we realize we’re not alone. This is helpful, because I think my subconscious was telling me that asking for help was a sign of weakness.
My parental stress is pretty low on the totem pole of potential parental stress situations - my kids are healthy and we have stable housing and income. While we don’t have family nearby, we have a lovely village of friends that act as extended family on a regular basis. All parents constantly stress about the safety and future of our children. No matter the stressors, though, the Surgeon General Advisory model is a good reminder for me that naming something, asking for help, brings an important awareness and attention to a challenge that can lead hopefully to a resolution of some sort. In my case, admitting I needed help as a frazzled mom one September Saturday led to some much needed alone time, a finished garden, and feelings of support that I really needed.
Katherine (Kat) Peters, ’06, is the Assistant Director of the Institute for Leadership and Service at Valparaiso University. Kat holds degrees in Spanish and International Service from Valparaiso University, and Master’s in Education and Rural Development. Prior to returning to Valpo, Kat was the Assistant Director for the Institute for Central American Development Studies in Costa Rica, and taught Spanish and managed a local farmers market in Northwest Indiana. She received the Founder’s Day Teaching Award as a member of the Modern Languages Department at Indiana University Northwest, and has published and presented on cultural humility and critical literacy in experiential education, as well as on peasant perspectives on globalized agriculture. She is happy to be at Valpo supporting the campus and alumni community on questions of vocational discernment.
Comments